by Paul Beckman
Hung-over, I walked to the end of the pier with my snorkel equipment and the pier was one step shorter than my stride. I fell, slipped my snorkel and mask on and when I finally hit the water I slide into my fins and kept falling another fifteen feet and see the sand sloping away from me. I noticed a one inch pure black sea horse with its tail wrapped around a sea fan. I looked over to the right and saw another sea horse, yellow this time and twice the size. One after another they appeared in different colors and different sizes up to about five inches. I went up for air came back down and swam from one to another staring at them in all their beauty. They looked back at me through my mask and I reached into my bathing suit pocket for my camera which I’d forgotten. They didn’t forget theirs, though. Each of these colorful beauties had a Go Pro and took my picture and at times took selfies with me
When I got out of the water I saw three rifles glint from the sun resting on the dunes. I’d been walking five miles a day and was in good shape so I circled around and chopped the first guy in the neck—he went down and dropped his AK47 which I caught before it hit the ground. He was out for the count so I took his binoculars and found out what their assassin-like guys were aiming for—James Bonds. The three Bonds were steering by kite over the thermals, hunting knives taped to their ankles and semi-automatic rifles cradled in their arms. I took out the other two assassins by pushing their faces deep into the sand until they passed out. I took their guns, rifles, ids and shoes and then pulled out my signal mirror and sent a message to the Bonds in code from the sun off my mirror. They thumb upped me in return.
These things don’t happen to me but this one time it did. I won the Powerball. I leased a Gulfstream II. I brought apartments in New York, Paris, and Biloxi. I offered to take my children and grandchildren on a Kenyan Safari. Turns out the kids wanted to go to Disney and not Africa.. They began bickering. I told them to send me a requisition for anything they wanted and what good deed they would do in exchange. They talked it over and decided it was all too much work and they’d settle for my paying for all of the new electronics they continually wanted and for their good deed would work at the local needle exchange.
I brought myself a top-of-the-line BMW and tooled around in it. I was speeding home, went around the off ramp curve and two of my wheels came off—the two on the right side. I spun around for a while until the police showed up and gave me a ticket for driving an unsafe car. I was sued by a dozen or more people who saw big pockets from my lottery win and I ended up selling everything and moving into Trump Tower where I hoped I could become a Trump thorn.
I entered a pizza spinning contest. I’d never spun a pizza before but it turns out I was damned good at it. I won the contest with a 19 ½ foot spinning toss and on the way down I sauced, cheesed, and pepperonied the pizza dough and then hip checked it into the coal fire brick oven. I won the King of Pizza title and made appearances on Fox and Friends, Morning Joe, and. The Celebrity Pizza Apprentice.
My King of Pizza Prize was to open a chain of 5 King of Pizza Parlors and charge big bucks. I opened shops in The Galapagos, Joshua Tree National Park, Lucca in Tuscany, Little Italy in New York which is really an extension of Chinatown, and the Ukraine. This, of all the things that happened this past year is the one thing that made me famous—especially with the grandchildren and the sea horses.
Paul Beckman has the collections, “Peek”, “Come! Meet My Family”, Maybe I Ought to go Sit in a Dark Room, and 21 Stories.. Over 350 of his stories have been published in print and on line.