by Philip Ivory

 

Meeting called to order at 6:00 PM by Brenda Greenwood at the clubhouse. Members present: Brenda Greenwood (President), John Kornacki (Vice President), Sally Durwitz (Treasurer), Verna Siliphant (Secretary), George Krebbs, Phyllis Mantle. Members not present: Stu Halloway.

Minutes of May 9 meeting approved. Treasurer’s Report approved. At end of May: $1452.26 in checking account and $27,438.55 in reserve account for total of $28,890.81.

Old Business: Regarding letter we sent April 16 to Bill Slate, President of sister community, Bluebell Ridge I, in which we proposed melding of communities to combine resources, reduce expenses, streamline services to residents: Brenda read reply dated May 22 from Bill averring that merging of communities cannot be considered until seismic fault (with occasional lava spillage, as on Memorial Day two years ago) under Bluebell Ridge II be corrected. Repair to be verified by town council and UCLA Department of Seismology. Sally said budget for present year will not allow for repair to earth’s crust. Motion made to revisit next year. Passed.

On another issue: John reported that Stu Halloway (absent) acted without Board authority, threatening to send homeowner Hannah Horsley (lot 41) to “a stinking gulag” for unauthorized removal of creosote plants growing in common area.

Sally added to complaints about Stu, saying occasional motions he has made at meetings to exonerate Stalin for historical crimes are “real time waster.” Sally added Stu is “probably a communist” and also “Norman Bates crazy.” Phyllis pointed out alarming situation: USPS person now only delivers mail to residents on Moonbeam Drive (Stu’s street). This is because Stu made him his “best friend” and “milk shake buddy at Hardee’s” and told him other streets in community are bad.

Brenda banged on table and asked for motion to be made about Stu. George made motion Stu “is terrible.” Passed.

Phyllis raised issue of her request that HOA pay for removal of dead acacia tree in her front yard because it will fall and crush her, and maybe her grandson if he is sleeping on living room couch. Brenda said tree is homeowner responsibility. Phyllis said tree was there when she moved in, does that mean her grandson should have to die from it when he hasn’t even been to the Harry Potter theme park yet?

Unplanned 20-minute recess resulting from Brenda banging on table with fist to change subject from Phyllis’s tree, reverberations of which caused circuit breaker in back of clubhouse to flip so AC stopped working. George volunteered to fix.

Meeting resumed. AC fixed. Phyllis complained about excessive banging on table by Brenda scaring people and causing recesses. Brenda said that should be in New Business. Also said banging is part of her function as President.

George suggested instead of banging, just using words or mime. John said excessive size of Brenda’s fist could be part of problem, saying fist is not human, more “circus sized.” Phyllis suggested Brenda’s fist is growing larger every meeting in supernatural way, so banging is a hazard to health/safety of other Board members.

Brenda asked for other opinions. Sally agreed with George’s no more banging idea. Brenda said that is not another opinion, but same one. Sally wondered if table in clubhouse is in danger of breakage due to fist banging. Potential replacement of table is not listed as line item in yearly budget. Should it be? Motion made, not passed.

George offered to fetch yellow wraparound ruler (Secretary’s note: research proper term) to measure Brenda’s fist size. George to follow up with measurements at subsequent meetings, so we will know for sure if some “demonic shit” is going on with Brenda’s “humongous troll hand.”

Brenda banged on table to say time for New Business.

New Business: Brenda asked for volunteers for July cookout. John to bring hot dogs, burgers, George to bring drinks. Agreed not to tell Stu although he is Board member. Phyllis and Verna on dessert detail. Time: Saturday, July 21 at 10 AM.

George said residents have complained about sulfur fumes in clubhouse and pool area. Homeowner Jane Foley (lot 22) said they made her nephew puke at Easter. Sally said probably related to volcanic venting due to earth crust problem.

Brenda asked for other New Business, and Phyllis said John appears to be dead. Not breathing or humming “Bolero” in usual annoying way. Sally said perhaps pacemaker was shattered by Brenda banging on table to announce New Business. Brenda asked that remark be struck from record as assertion unfounded without autopsy.

George suggested recess due to John probably being dead, but Sally said we need to keep going so we can finish so she and Herschel can watch “Shark Tank” at 8.

Brenda banged on table, said we’re not leaving until we discuss repair to irrigation lines near south perimeter. George told Brenda in addition to giant hand, her tongue is now swelling like giant toad’s tongue and dripping slime that sizzles.

Brenda, unable to speak in human way, emitted rumbling wail like wart hog while banging on table for order.

Windows spontaneously shattered. Bedrock beneath clubhouse and pool area gave way.  Board members fell into crevice, some screaming from lava burns. (very painful and frightening).

Brenda, clutching John’s limp body with giant clawed hands, sprouted reptilian wings which could not bear her weight. She and John fell into chasm below, consumed by smoke and fire. Others tumbled after them, clutching at roots, trying to climb on top of each other, but falling, falling to certain death. George, falling, shouted resignation from Board as fiery boils erupted in his flesh.

Only Verna and Phyllis left alive, on ledge, singed and choking from fumes. Can hear sirens. Mutual motion made that Stu Halloway be formally asked to serve as interim President. That motion entered here in hopes that FEMA or other professionals will find these notes and take appropriate action.

Respectfully submitted,  

Verna Siliphant (Secretary)

Bluebell Ridge II Homeowners Association

June 9, 2016

 

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Philip Ivory studied literature at Columbia University and lives in Tucson, Ariz. His fiction has been published in “Literally Stories,” “Devolution Z,” “Bewildering Stories” and elsewhere. A winner of the 2015 Writers Studio “Write-to-Read” contest and Bewildering Stories’ 2016 Mariner Awards, he teaches creative writing at Writers Studio Tucson and maintains a blog at writeyourselfsane.com.